October is the month of birthdays for my family. The good part about the month is that it's jammed packed with dinners and cakes; the bad part, I'm always broke. The more birthdays there are the more presents I buy, the more presents I buy the less money I have.

Needless to say, I love my family and I don't really mind buying them things  they want. Well, I was talking with my future spouse the other day trying to figure out what to get my dad. I initiated the conversation, "maybe I'll get him a steamer"--his iron can't seem to handle wrinkles--and of course my fiance, man of wisdom (haha), "Nooo, you're suppose to get something the person wants not what they need"..but if that's the case then everyone would go around with cool nicknacks and gizmos, but we would all lack essential household items and neccessities. After further discussion, we settled on a Royals post-season shirt.

I went home yesterday (the day before my dad's birthday) only to find him reclined in his chair wearing, I kid you not, a Royals shirt. Never in his life has he owned a Royals shirt! Now that they made it to the world series I thought, "man, that would be a nice gift". I stared at him and said, "that's a nice shirt, when did you get that?"

"Today", he replied. I mean, the man went on for what felt like an hour describing the ins and outs of this shirt; the color, the material, the logo. At that point I figured I'd take his present back and buy him a Mizzou shirt, that's my go-to present. Whenever I can't figure out what to get him I end buying him something sporting the Missouri Tigers. I pretty much buy it for birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, Honika, any holiday really. He could probably open up shop with the amount of MU apparel he's got.

But ofcourse, "hey, let me show you what your sister bought me." He pulled out a black nikefit and holds it up. "There it is", I say expressionless. "MIZZOU."

"What would you like for your birthday tomorrow, Dad", here it comes. You could tell he'd been thinking of this one for a while, "You know, (pause) I'd really enjoy some apple pie, but (pause) it can't be just any apple pie it's gotta be one of those himalayan pies with the candied apples".....I'm just kidding, but he might as well have said that. What he did request is "a french crust apple pie." So, I'd been searching the internet for about two hours and I've come two conclusions, either there is no such thing, or, it has to be one of the rarest forms of pie since google hasn't even heard of it. There is a french apple crumble pie, but no french crust! As a last resort I decided to go with a blue ribbon company... Tippins! you know what they say, "People be trippin for Tippins!"

Check out their site:
http://tippinspies.com/HOME.aspx

This birthday didn't quite go the way I'd planned, but wish me luck next year!

TRICKS AND SCHEMES

I have this sort of seriousness that comes through in my writing, so today I've decided to lift my blog with a little bit of lightheartedness.

I'm one of the few out there who've already decorated for Halloween. Does that make me crazy? No, just a phanatic. This is one holiday I can't get enough of. Who doesn't like scary movies and free candy? Of course, I'm too old to trick-or-treat nowadays but don't think that won't stop me from stealing a kid off the street, dressing him in a new costume, and making him double up on houses. I've seen this tactic done in TV but never thought anyone would have the guts to attempt this trick in reality, up until last year. Kids these days...

TRICKS AND SCHEMES--Scheming is the third best part of Halloween.

Firstly, always gotta make sure you've mapped out the best route. Hills slow you down, Cold-a-sacs and dead-ends force you to backtrack, and the distance between houses should be minimal. But also, you've got to be mindful of the house size. The wealthier the neighborhood, the larger the candybar (generally speaking). The fun size really doesn't cut it these days.
Secondly, the costume plays a large role in the scheme of halloween.  Creating the best costume to make your suppliers notice you in the crowd of other trick-or-treaters is how you will profit you in the end. I'll give you a tip: the cuter the costume the better quality of candy you'll recieve, and if you're lucky, an extra piece. So, draw some freckles on your face, bat those eyelashes, and with a sappy costume you might just win the jackpot.
Thirdly, you'll want to make sure you've brought something large enough to collect with. Don't waste your time with one of those silly jack-o-lantern buckets when you can bust out a pillowcase. This holds 10 times the candy and saves you 2 trips back home. Go BIG or Go HOME. Better work on those biceps.

Happy Halloween!

Black Hole

Get me out of this black depression!
This whole from hell
has sucked the life out of me.
There is nothing I have left
but to remain optimistic and know that
something big is on it’s way.
Something, someone, somewhere
will save me;
Lift me up from my misery,
Take me away from this place
because right now I’m drained.
Physically and emotionally
I’ve tried to learn and evolve
but nothing can awake me.
When I’m here my senses are numb,
my body absorbed by sensless work.
Everyday I enter a hypnotic state
Where my motions never change.
I’ve become a slave
with nothing more to Give,
this black hole has already stolen my soul.
And when I leave to go home
I sit on a couch never to be fazed.
I’m dead inside, lifeless,
and completely un-energized.
My body has been set to repeat
Day in and day out,
I go to work in a trance and drive home in a fog.
Not a tear will escape,
I feel nothing more but cold
Black heartache.

The Absolute Perfect Movie

The other day I went for a walk with my fiance. Normally I do this alone to get my creative juices flowing, but this time Alex decided to join me for health purposes. The walk part of this story is completely irrelevent, it's what I got to thinking about on this walk that put me in a puzzled state of mind. While on our walk, my fiance and I got into a heated debate...that's usual for us. He explained that there was no movie on IMBD that has or will ever receive a 10/10 perfect review. Although he was wrong (there are numerous movies with the magical 10/10 review) he got me thinking, is there really such a thing as a perfect movie? Would any film-maker be able to reach that point in his career? I think it is every writer’s dream, every director’s vision, and every producer with dollar signs as eyes to create this unattainable feature, however I’m not sure that it can be accomplished. This picture would have to be so rich in color, heart, dialogue, and appeal that no other movie could possibly top and/or meet this standard. What do you think?

Remembering the Now

I remember,

I remember the first time I sputtered, "I Love You"

I remember when holding your hand meant something

I remember a long embrace was never enough

I remember my hunger, thirst, and lust

I remember, do you?

Now,

Now "Love you" has no meaning

Now holding your hand feels deromanticized

Now a short embrace is never short enough

Now my hunger, thirst, and lust are no more

Now, how about you?

Reach for the Stars

There are few people in this world who achieve what they set out to without interference or loss of site. The rest of us, those not so lucky, perpetually forget our motivations in life. We lose site of who we want to be and what we want to achieve. We often get sidetracked and run off course either incidentally, such as: a non-sensical job, a new living situation, consumption of a relationship, medical injuries, or most probably bills accumulations. If not incidentally, then we purposefully sabotage our own dreams in life. Meaning, we push our goals aside thinking they'll never be reached, and in turn wind up lowering our standards.
I'm not sure if we give up out of sheer laziness or subtle realization that they were never attainable in the first place. Regardless of the reason, id like to be an exception to this. I'd like to one day set a new goal for myself knowing I already accomplished my biggest one yet.
My advice: never stop believing in yourself...because once you stop who else going believe in you? I like to think that if I submerge myself in the atmosphere, the mind-set, and the ambitions of someone who's already reached the star I'm aiming for I'll get there just like they did.

The Blinding Truth

Depression is a difficult concept for people to grasp if they've never gone through it, but for those who have understand that it eats you from the inside out. It's almost like a virus, you don't see it coming but you know if you're infected. Everything changes for the worst, your mind becomes less and less stable as the virus spreads and the world around you starts to darken.
It's as if these little mites get inside your head and feed on all your good memories, thoughts, and overall happiness. They peck out your eyes and leave you seeing black all around. After everything has been demolished your left with nothing but darkness and bad thoughts...scary thoughts, thoughts that never really crossed your mind prior to this infection.
Am I depressed? Not today. I don't think anyone can really answer that question for a future date. I know I am not depressed today, however I do not know that I won't be depressed tomorrow or the day after. Like I said, it sneaks up on you, blinds your vision, and causes you to spiral downward. You can try to overcome it but it's a battle.
I have struggled with depression more than once in my life which is not something I talk about. It's not something I want to remember but it is something I can now confront.
The first time I caught the virus it ended up taking 10 months to clear. Yes clear. I did not fight it, I let the mites feed on me until they had taken everything, moved out of my body, and on to their next victim. Each time I caught the virus I was left feeling souless and empty. I did not have the energy to laugh, the energy to cry, I feared nothing but I also felt nothing. It didn't feel like I was a living human being, it felt as if I was a lifeless, hollow body alone in the world. Even after the infection I wasn't completely recovered. I don't think you ever really can recover, repair, or mend your mind after something so dramatic. You have the ability to heal but restoring yourself back to normal seems impossible once you find out how easily your thoughts can be tempered with.
I will always remember that period of my life as one of the darkest and that is something I cannot erase. While everyone's depression affects them differently, the symptoms are all similar, however, some are infected much deeper than others in which case the virus can be fatal.
I encourage anyone who has the virus to stay strong, ask for help, and push through the darkness.

--Honoring Robin Williams

Labels

Overrated and obsolete,
what is a label, apart from
An Image of how people see you
Separting you off into categories
A brand, a mark
vaguely defining you
Not as an individual,
instead assigning you to a group

A label is society
telling you, you are no different
individuality is just another word
to ease our simple minds
and feed our thirst for originality

Whose to say
you can't choose the label you want
whose to say
you can't brand your own
Whose to say
originality can't be a category

I say they're wrong!

So there it is,
I'm an original and that's my label
society can see me how it wants
the term is just another word
expressing my personality

Writing at it's finest

The idea of Writing:
It's the same way you build anything, start from scratch. First you begin with a thought, a small piece of your imagination and then set it to paper.
This thought can be found anywhere. Maybe you see an advertisment on the side on a bus, or maybe you see a person wearing a funky color, maybe you encounter a string of thoughts that lead to this one brilliant pearl of an idea. It's as simple as that, you start writing it down with as many descriptive words as possible and then magically this solitary thought pops out of your head, on to paper, and flurishes into a perfect masterpiece. Then your creation sells for more than it's worth and receives a rep for the greatest piece of writing since sliced bread.

The truth about Writing:
First you start with the idea, develope it, and then you decide it's too big of a chore to actually do anything with. You store it in the back of your mind until one day, when you realize you've done nothing with your life, you sweep away the cobwebs, refine, and polish that old idea and begin fresh. For the first time you decide it's worthy of  being writen down, but of course your words are misfit and your sentences are sloppy. Eh,who cares? You lay down the foundation, cement the poorly shaped cinderblocks, and from there begin to build. You slave away in your quarters, devoting every spare minute you have to this piece of shit you'd like to think is art, in hopes that once it's complete you'll be able to make something of it. Maybe it's not as bad as you think it is, maybe you just need to add a few more pages, maybe fill in the holes with some more cement? Vuala, months later you've extracted an original thought and gave it life.

To Conclude:
The process of writing is being able to create life. You'd like to think that it would come out as beautifully as Adam or Eve, but in all reality it comes out looking like Frankinstein's Monster. The process is time consuming and exhausting, and the result maybe ugly and hard to look at, nevertheless, it's your masterpiece. You've created something out of nothing.

Blocked

Blocked by a wall
detached from society.
I say, set it to fire
Tear it down
anything, please
to rebuild this ground

I've soiled my image
and unknowingly put up this wall
it stands through storms
whirls of emotions and all

The world, always moving
working and rebuilding
with sweat running down
Me, always alone
staring through to mankind as I frown
Transparent as it may be
the wall stands high
separating us entirely

Enclosed with the emptiness
I keep trying to revert back
to a time where I was amoung society
before reclusion turned my back
but this wall seems untouchable
for one person alone
and my choice completely sustained

But I'm holding my flag
I know you all can see
I say, truce?

Let's light a fuse
and burn down this wall
there doesn't need to be
something inbetween
you, me and the rest of society
Please help this poor soul
break this barrier
and set me free.

Silly Boy

Immaturity is the nature of boys. As you see, a boy is still a boy when his big idea of moving is motivated by the size of a city’s “party scene”. Silly boy, you’re going to have to grow up at some point, and when you do you’ll find that drinking and having fun isn’t what life is all about. The essence of life is simple: it’s about living, breathing, seeing what’s in front of you. It’s not about meeting new people when you’re drunk, or going out to the bars and hitting on women, or rolling a blunt with your friends on a Saturday night. Sure, that might make you feel young and free but there’s so much more that you have yet to see. It’s not about the bright lights of the city, the amount of entertainment, or the number of college kids around. It’s about having real life conversations with people, intellectual conversations that last in your memory.  It’s about making friends who are good for you, and knowing what fun really is. If your motivation for moving is exploring the world for the right reasons then by all means, the world is yours. I advise you, young rebel, to be wise with your decisions, don’t do it for the concerts, don’t do it for the drugs, and don’t do it for anyone else but you. If you want to move so badly, make it a point to taste new foods, learn different cultures, read new books, hike new roads, surf new waves, study different religions. Living is learning, so maybe soon you’ll see, not everything is about the parties.

Make fun of me all you want, I’ll listen and learn, though these are you’re mistakes I’ll be sure to choose my path wisely. I might not be as rebellious as you, senseless child, but while I see the world through sober eyes you’re looking at it through a pair of beer goggles.

Let’s be honest here, moving to a new city isn't going to change a thing as long as you keep up this naivety. Maturity grows from realization, so remove those goggles and let the sun shine in, but until then…you’re still just a boy.

Something to Say

Watch as I speak, move my lips in progression

Listen to the words, understand these thoughts

This is the way, the way I talk

I'm often quiet, shy, and closed

but when I've got something to say

My emotions emerge.

Look me in the eyes and nod your head

For as long as you pretend I'll call you friend

But when I open my mouth and your head drops

Your phone becomes your solitary thought

I'll forget about why you're here, and the words I've said

I'm speechless with your action in my head.

I was there when you needed to share

I listened as you gabbed on and on 

about something irrelevant...by the way, you were wrong

There was a reason I chose you to open up to

Clearly, our road leads to a dead-end

if you cared you would have been there as a friend

This isn't a first, but it is the last

As you sit across from me 

fingers moving at warp speed

a grin on your face as you stare at your phone screen 

Humility fills my face and frustration floods my heart

I've got nothing more to say except,

"Hold on to that phone because soon it'll be the only friend you've got."

Fathers

To all the fathers out there:
Every day you are learning
becoming stronger and more prepared,
not a day is the same in the life of a dad.
Sons and daughters yell and scream
for growing is our nature,
yet there you are with love to nurture.
We put up a fight
and you lower your shield,
we attempt to wound
but your cuts never scar.
You don't try to be superman
but you're pretty damn close,
You're a father now and forever.
So, we thank you
for dodging our bullets
and handling us with care
Just know,
you're a superhero
to your sons and daughters out there.

Power

Feel it deep inside
Running through your veins
Feel it take over
Triumph of the brain
Feel the energy buzz
Controlling every thought
This is power
Power we've all got

Possession of anger
Hatred and disgust
Possession of love
Hunger and lust
Possession of faith
Belief and trust

Emotion rolling within
Currents changing on a whim
Emotion stronger than not
Remembering what should be forgot
Emotion closed off and trapped
Breaking free, unleashed, unwrapped
This is power
Power we've all got

Envy

Reading someone else's accomplishments makes me angry. I struggle to hide my envy...

"I hear you loud and clear!" You post pictures online of the things you've seen, the new people you meet, and the exotic foods you eat.  You post them because you know we're watching, imagining and wishing it were us. Okay, so we religiously look through your pictures, read all your posts, and keep up to date with your blog, but it's only to be sure we don't miss a thing. Isn't that what you'd do if it were you living vicariously through one of us? 

You post to show off, you write to brag, I guess you act the way you do because you can. Truth is, you're the kid that nobody likes. You try so hard to fit in which makes you the most hated. You talk trash on all your "friends" and the way we live, but remember who you are because your past life never fades. So, act how you want but you will always be the kid that everyone hates, there's no denying your fate. 

Sure you've seen the world, traveled to every country twice, "news flash--no one cares, move on!" You've achieved just about every one of our dreams, but we still hate you. While we remain stuck in this same city, with the same ole friends, working some fucking 9-5 job staring at a computer screen all day, you're off gala-venting doing God knows what somewhere far far away...So go ahead brag to the media, share you're stories, upload your pics, we've got nothing better to do than click 'like', just know you're still the kid not a one of us truly likes -- but secretly, we all want your life.